


How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.

by Therg



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Fluff, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-25
Updated: 2012-12-25
Packaged: 2017-11-22 10:09:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,363
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/608662
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Therg/pseuds/Therg
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A reflection on Castiel's feelings for Dean, and the way Dean feels about his angel.</p>
            </blockquote>





	How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.

**Author's Note:**

> _How do I love thee? Let me count the ways._  
>  I love thee to the depth and breadth and height  
> My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight  
> For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.  
> I love thee to the level of everyday's  
> Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.  
> I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;  
> I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.  
> I love thee with a passion put to use  
> In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.  
> I love thee with a love I seemed to lose  
> With my lost saints, --- I love thee with the breath,  
> Smiles, tears, of all my life! --- and, if God choose,  
> I shall but love thee better after death.  
>  Elizabeth Barrett Browning

Castiel isn't sure if angels were designed to love, or if it was an ability, a gift, which slowly manifested itself over time; slipping in through the cracks like his ability to make choices. He is unaware of whether or not it's something widespread amongst his brothers, or a phenomenon unique to him. All he is sure of is that he has the ability to love, and he invests all of it in Dean Winchester.

The feeling didn't surprise him, didn't present itself with confusion. He happened upon it with a dawning realisation, unquestioning. The emotion was new to him but it seemed so _right_ that he accepted it immediately, welcomed the arrival of it with delight. Thoughts of Dean seem to send a shiver up his spine and out, spreading through his Grace in it's entirety; a feeling of immense bliss and thrill of being that he'd never realised was missing before, never thought he was special or important enough to feel. The way Dean looks at him, with such intensity and belief, tells him that somebody believes in him, _believes for him_ , and Castiel slowly starts to believe it himself. 

He's aware of how he feels constantly, he fells anxious when he leaves Dean, uncertain in a way he doesn't think angels are meant to. The moments when they're reunited flood him with a heady relief which thrums through his Grace and Being, greeting Dean better than his simple head-nod ever does. He's filled with a wild desire and lust when he watches Dean fight, a base, animalistic, kind of longing that's threaded with a want to protect. Everything Dean ever does, every extraordinary moment of brilliance, is catalogued carefully in Castiel's mind and he loves him impossibly more for each of them. But it's the down times, the quiet stolen moments, that Castiel loves Dean the most. He used to stay unknown and watch Dean sleep, alertly perched in a chair or standing dutifully next to the bed; a shepherd protecting the most precious of his flock. He'd watch the sleeping man and memorize every little detail of his peace, wishing he could somehow gift him some of this beautiful calm during his hectic, troubled, waking moments.

He still watches Dean sleep, but things are different now; things between them have changed. They make love deep into the night, the Angel trying to help his man forget; their gazes locked as they fall into the brief ecstasy of bliss together. Afterwards Dean will cling to him, beg him to _stay, please, just for a little while_. Castiel just kisses him and whispers against his forehead, so soft and gentle; " _Of course. Always, forever._ "

Castiel believes he was destined to be with Dean; believes their fate was written with Lucifer's fall and rise. He doesn't know if their bond is deeper than was written, if anyone had planned for them to fall so deeply for the other - or if it was a twist in their planned fate, unplanned and unexpected like Lucifer's second fall. He finds it hard to believe that this isn't some predetermined course, it's so _unbelievably pure and just right_ , it's too wonderful to be pure chance. This doesn't dishearten him, he knows he has free choice and that, if he so desired, he could give his love elsewhere. His love, his heart, his entire self, is freely given to Dean.

He needs nothing in return, requires nothing of the man. It isn't necessary. That doesn't mean that Dean isn't willing to give, he is. He falls, tumbling, with Castiel through every day life. They live from one moment together to the next. Both content just to see one another, exchange brief _ghosting_ touches during the day. During the night they fly; skin against skin in slick _perfect_ movement that makes Castiel's head spin until his entire world is focused and sharpened around the man beneath him, around him, inside him. His Righteous Man.

The times when they are apart are difficult, and Castiel struggles. He is fighting a treacherous war, one which angers and hurts him. The hurt sometimes is too much for him to bare; he shakes with it, his Grace constricted and confined under the heavy weight of crushing suffering and grief. In these moments of lost pain he thinks of Dean, and it's a perfect cure; oxygen to a drowning man. No longer weighed down, his wings are free; he is soaring, flying, and the wind beneath his wings is his love for Dean. The feeling lifts him up and encompasses him until it's all he can feel, and he's safe in a moment of unbelievable relief. Castiel knows these moments can't last, they never do, but those brief seconds are his utmost treasure and sustenance. And when he returns to the fighting he is reminded of what, _of who_ , he is fighting for. And it makes it all just bearable.

Castiel is an angel, a being of purity and spirit, created to blindly follow with unwavering faith and devotion. Dean often mocks him for his childlike naive belief but it doesn't change the fact that Castiel believes completely and utterly in Dean. He was created to place his faith in God. Castiel isn't sure what has happened to God, where he is - _if_ he still is. Like so many children in this world, he is struggling to believe in a long absent father figure, missing to the point of questionable existence. Instead, he finds himself pouring all of his faith and devotion into the one man who he knows will never truly abandon or fail him. 

And when all else feels lost to him, when the entire universe and heaven and hell seem ready to fall, leaving him standing alone and isolated in their desolate ruins, he turns to Dean. He finds himself able to continue, to keep walking the edge and fighting the fight because of Dean, for Dean. _He does it all for Dean._ Man's general continence was never a primary concern of his. At first it was important because it was what his father wanted; what Castiel believed his father wanted. Now it's importance is singularly warranted by it's importance to Dean. If he fights for Mankind, he fights for it for Dean.

Everything he does, is for Dean. Every smile he makes is a sign of his love; every raised eyebrow, confused frown and deep laugh. It is often the only way he can communicate the way he feels. But he knows Dean understands.

Dean understands and accepts, he knows that he's the reason Castiel cares. The reason Castiel cries, late at night, in moments of his darkest despair. He cries because he's worried of failing Dean, of disappointing him when it all just gets too much for coping. And Dean always draws him close, kisses him, slides deep inside him and reassures him in a way that words never could. Soul and Grace connect, gripping each other so tightly, and Castiel no longer feels afraid or uncertain. Knows his belief was rightly placed, he can never disappoint here.

And when Dean falls prey to human faults, when he worries and clings, sobbing, to Castiel's form - begging for reassurance that the angel isn't sure he can provide - Castiel tells him a story. It is a story of when this is all gone and done, when they're free to just _be_. Be together, forever. It's the story of their heaven, united. It sounds so perfect and so real that Dean wonders if Castiel has already visited it, if they've already been there in one of his brief moments of death he was forced to forget. Castiel paints the picture so perfectly, describes their soft kisses while, in the here and now, his hands caress Dean so gently. His voice remains so soft, so calm, even while his hand grips Dean's length, so hard, so hot, and his long fingers tease his opening. And if Dean allows a tear to escape as they fall together, through bliss and perfection, then Castiel doesn't judge him for it.

Together, they give each other a reason to keep going. To survive and keep fighting.

**Author's Note:**

> Finally archiving my older work here, hope you enjoy!


End file.
